Airport Etiquette 101

Last weekend, I traveled down to Blairsville, GA for a fun bachelorette weekend getaway.  In an attempt to make the most of my weekend, I booked my flight to Atlanta to leave early Friday morning, so early, in fact, that I had to be at the airport at 5:00am to catch the plane.  Jimbo was kind enough to drop me off at the airport, even though it was his Friday off (Thanks, Jimbo, you're the greatest!).  We got there at 4:55am and I proceeded to kiss him goodbye and begin the trek through what I like to refer to as a Little Walk Through Hell...the DCA security check-point.  Now, why would I call it this, you wonder...Well, it's just that...HELL...Poofy Explosive Chemical Tester Thingies that make sure you're not trying to blow up a plane, almost every bit of your privacy violated, bags scanned and rescanned and often asked to be unpacked...all in the name of keeping the Nation's Capital safe.  This particular Friday morning proved to be just as bad as usual, although a bit more interesting...As such, I have decided to present you all with the first two rules taught in Airport Etiquette 101...

LESSON 1:  DON'T ARGUE WITH THE AIRPORT POLICE, also known as KEEP YOUR ATTITUDE IN CHECK

As I'm walking toward the security line, I hear a little argument starting between a presumed passenger and a service agent at the AirTran counter.  I wonder what's going on when I hear the passenger mutter some profanity (obviously someone with an anger management issue, who from this point on will be called Anger Management Issue Man, or AMIM).  I consider stopping to see what happens but decide to walk on, keeping in mind that every step I take is one step closer to getting on a plane and going back to sleep.  Of course, the line is ridiculous, so I brace myself for a long wait and start taking out my quart- sized bag of liquids and taking off my shoes. 

Before too long, a woman (aka Crazy Lady) comes up behind me and asks, "Excuse me, you didn't bring a snow globe with you, did you?"  Now, I'm standing in the line thinking to myself, "What is this lady doing talking to me, and why is she so strange?"  I calmly say to the woman, "No, no I didn't."  She starts laughing hysterically and exclaims, "Didn't you see that sign back there?  I think it's so silly that they won't let you carry a snow globe on a plane.  What harm can a snow globe be?"  I politely smile, turn around, and roll my eyes once she can't see me looking.  I mean, it's 5 in the morning...BUT, I digress from the main points of Lesson 1. (Don't forget about Crazy Lady, she'll reappear in the next lesson.) 

Now, during this side conversation with Crazy Lady, AMIM has stormed down the security ramp and has taken his place beside me in the next lane.  He is mumbling and grumbling under his breath, and I'm thinking to myself, "Man, that man either needs to go back to bed or get some coffee."  A minute later, the service agent walks up to AMIM, WITH A POLICE OFFICER.  The police officer asks the man to step out of the line, and the man refuses.  The police officer asks the man to produce a photo ID and then recount the events that happened at the check-in counter.  The man proceeds to rant and rave about how he is Business Select Class and he shouldn't have to wait in line like all the other people and that the service agent chewed him out because he "cut in line in front of all those people who weren't smart enough to check in ahead of time".  Apparently, AMIM thought that because he had spent an extra $20 on a ticket, he should have been recognized as a VIP and allowed to jump in front of all those people waiting in line for their tickets...NEWS FLASH...when you check-in online, you should PRINT YOUR BOARDING PASS...otherwise, you have to wait in line just like everyone else! 

As the scene continues to unfold, AMIM gets madder and madder, so much so that he has taken off his jacket and thrown it down on the ground in a fit of rage.  All the while, the police officer is constantly reminding him that despite his "Business Select" status, they can deny him boarding privileges based upon his inappropriate behavior.  The entire time this is going on, all I can think is, "Seriously, it's 5:00 IN THE MORNING! Just shut up, apologize for your foul mouth, and go on about your way!" 

How did the scenario end?  Well, eventually AMIM finally stopped arguing and was allowed to go through security just in time to get to his gate before his coveted "Business Select Early Boarding" began.  How do I know that he made it to his flight on time??  HE WAS ON MY FLIGHT...and even though he was 7 rows in front of me, I could still hear him ranting about the incident and how he was mistreated for the first 45 minutes of our flight.  At one point, I heard the flight attendant politely but firmly ask him to lower his voice.  Come on buddy, let it go, after all, it's not like you're the President of the United States or anything...just breathe and bear the torture of airport standards and security like the rest of us.  After all, your extra $20 for Business Select doesn't get you anything more than a seat at the front of the plane...

LESSON 2:  KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF & DON'T BOTHER THE SLEEPING ON AN AIRPLANE

Now, don't think I've forgotten about Crazy Lady in all of this chaos of AMIM.  As our line moves forward, her questions don't stop after she asked if I was traveling with a snow globe.  The longer we stood in line, the longer she asked questions...Where are you traveling?  Where are you from?  What time did you have to leave to get to the airport?  I see you're engaged, when is your wedding?  On and on and on...I politely answered her questions, although I was growing more and more frustrated.  It was 5:00am!  I just wanted to keep to myself and stay as close to sleep as possible so I could walk onto the plane, sit in my seat, and drift right back into dreamland for another hour and a half. 

After about 10 minutes of questions, she said, "Well, enough of me pestering you and asking all these questions..."  "Thank God," I thought, "Now I can just walk through this line in peace, get my little stint in the Poofy Explosive Chemical Tester Thingy over with, and get to my gate!"  But she went on, "Now you get to ask me endless questions about my life and where I'm going!"  "OH MY GOSH!"  I thought, "This can't be happening!".  I chuckled and turned around to face the X-ray machine, trying to subtly let her know that I was not interested in knowing more about her life. 

She didn't get the hint.  Before I could even think of questions to ask, she started babbling, "A couple of weeks ago my daughter and I got to fly out to the Antiques Roadshow.  It was so much fun!  And I was up at 3:00 this morning because I had to drive up here all the way from Fredricksburg...." 

She was still talking as I walked through the Poofy Explosive Chemical Tester Thingy and quickly walked to the end of the X-ray machine to gather my things in an effort to lose the Crazy Lady for good.  No such luck.  Crazy Lady was much faster than I thought.  As I stood up from sliding on my flip flops, there she was, arms outstretched.  I hesitated for a moment, because I wasn't sure what was going on.  Then, before I was able to put two and two together (don't forget, it was 5:00 IN THE MORNING!), SHE HUGGED ME.  Crazy Lady, please...it is not appropriate to hug someone you have only known for 15 minutes in a security line.  Especially not at such an ungodly hour of the morning. 

What happened next?  Well, Not only was AMIM on my flight, but so was Crazy Lady, and I was so lucky...she was sitting in the seat DIRECTLY behind me.  The entire flight, she kept reaching around the seat and tapping me on the shoulder to talk to me because she "felt like we really connected".  No, Crazy Lady, we didn't connect, and please, for the love, hear this lesson and don't hug strangers and let people sleep on the red-eye flights!    

And there you have it, folks, the first two lessons taught in Airport Etiquette 101.  Need more tips to get through the airport?  Just ask...I definitely have flown enough this year to learn a thing or two!